Game Review: Saints Row IV
Has something happened to you that when the event was over you thought to yourself that you’ll never get that time back? You know what I mean, like when you spend 3 hours stuck in traffic or had to sit in a meeting discussing the previous meeting and plan agenda for the next meeting. You think how you could have better spent your time and that those hours are lost forever in a black hole pit of nothingness. I think it happens to all of us at one point or another and sometimes way too often. If you have ever done the Four Lenses personality assessment, I will say that my primary color is “Green” which means I can’t stand to have my time wasted. Having said that, let me tell you about this piece of shit game called Saints Row IV.
I am going to keep this short because as I write this, I again, am losing time I will never get back. Let me sum it up this way. Let’s a take a perfectly fine and amusing game called Saints Row III and instead of improving on the story and mechanics let’s churn out the same game with a quadruple dose of absurdity in the form of aliens and super powers and call it Saints Row IV. Oh, and just to make it all authentic give the head alien a British accent because that effect always drives home some kind of point…one which I fail to understand.
Here’s the run-down of the first 60 to 90 minutes of head scratching bullshit. First of all, Saints Row IV has probably the longest opening sequence of a game I have ever seen. It was mind numbing linear horseshit. You play a bit as the game’s ludicrous story unfolds. The absurdity begins when you discover you are the President of the United States. And then aliens attack. At some point later on, you wake up (appear) in the 50s in some nightmare “Leave It To Beaver” sitcom and have to blow shit up to make it stop. At this point, I am waiting for a director to say “cut” because I figure my character is a lame movie star making a silly movie. No, this shit is real. By the time the linear lunacy is over I find myself in the alien’s (yeah the one with the British accent) digitized city of Steelport where, basically, I have to do all the same bullshit I did in Saints Row III…same styled levels of fighting, destruction, and side missions to turn parts of my city purple on the map so I can own it and take it back. To top it off the graphics suck moose cock! This is 2013, no reason for bad graphics.
Ok, I have no one to blame, but myself for not checking out a review first. It’s on me, I get it. But, based on the weight of the third installment, purchasing IV was a no-brainer…or so I thought. If I had read the review I just checked out yesterday, I would not have bought the game even if I were drunk and not thinking clearly. I could have just let this go, but if I can save one person somewhere in the world from wasting hard-earned (or stolen) money on this game, I will consider this review a success!